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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain.
Batman's alter ego is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went into a room with ten bad guys in it, but only had nine bullets. He came out
without a scratch, and a full clip.
The drummer of Def Leppard only has one arm because Chuck Norris let him keep the other one
Chuck Norris didn't like the end of Superman IV, so broke Christopher Reeves' neck.
the word quadrillion was first implemented in a Harvard study to express the size of Chuck Norris's
genitalia.
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.
Chuck Norris refers to all money in terms of the number of gumballs he could purchase.. If you ask him
how much a gumball costs, he will stare at you so hard your soul will die.
Chuck Norris' sperm is so fertile, when he bangs a chick in America, another chick in China gets
pregnant.
Chuck Norris was on a season of Survivor once, but the entire season got cut after Chuck Norris
murdered everyone on the island for eating his Cheetos.
Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick
people out of.
Crazy Glue is actually pure Chuck Norris semen.
The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86 when Chuck Norris
ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular
restaurant. They do now.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine
months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact
a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone.
This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of
Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of
spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On Chuck Norris's 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to
the head after she refused to go a 21st time.
Chuck Norris was told that the Statue of David was the world's best statue. He replied by roundhouse
kicking a mountain, the result was a 2,000ft statue of Chuck Norris. He then destroyed it because it
was too awesome for anyone but him to see.
Everyone knows Santa doesn't exist. What everyone doesn't know is that Santa did at one point exist
until the day he put Chuck Norris on the naughty list.
Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck
Norris, was incapable of dying.
Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.
chuck norris invented racism because he thought the world was filled with "pussies"
Chuck Norris enters a McDonald's without shoes or sandals, and still gets service
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Muhammed Ali used to say, "I am the greatest." Then he met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
The wood chuck didn't in fact chuck any wood because Chuck Norris kicked its ass for having the
same name.
The city of Atlantis was lost after Chuck Norris developed ADD and become bored holding it up.
Chuck Norris invented pain in order to have a reason to roundhouse people in the face.
Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus
completing the circle.
Chuck Norris was sent to the principal's office in fourth grade for roundhouse kicking his teacher to
death... while bench pressing 5,000 lbs. and making fun of the foreign kid.
Chuck Norris can utilize his beard as a lung for breathing underwater.
Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.
Much like the sun, Chuck Norris will cause blindness if looked at for prolonged periods of time.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body.
Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his
roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a drooling retarded kid because he thought he was spitting at
him.
Chuck Norris underwent Keno Therapy and didn't lose any of his hair.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris learned to read as a newborn in the hospital while studying his ID bracelet. When he
realized his mother had given him the middle name "Les" thereby making him Chuck-Les, he
roundhouse kicked her in the face, and said his first words - "Who's laughing now?"
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
Growing up, Chuck Norris got into fights every day at school. His grandma told him that he shouldn't be
so violent. So he roundhouse kicked her face.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet,
which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".
Chuck Norris' voice always echos, no matter what. Even in the vacuum of space he will echo. Top
scientists believe its the result of his tight jeans.
The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
For his Total Gym informercials, they use a body double for Chuck Norris. Not because he isn't jacked,
but because to see his actual body without a shirt would cause every man in America to kill
themselves in shame.
Chuck Norris had temper tantrum after he lost the election. His platform was, "I'm against abortion, but
for killing babies."
Chuck Norris is the only known human that can perform photosynthesis. However, he refuses to do so
because, "Converting light energy into nutrients for pussies."
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?"
Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the
paper.
Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a
better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn't want to stop
partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.
Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.
When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck
Norris directly in the eye.
Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty back together again just so he could break him.
Chuck Norris has 118,453 friends on myspace. It is an unspoken agreement that when you join his list
of friends, you are actually placing your name on his list of death, but Chuck Norris' friends do not care.
To die by the hand of Chuck is an honor.
When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the
other one.
If you ever get close enough to look, you will see that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are, in
fact, all Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once had a contest with The Cookie Monster to see who could eat the most cookies.
Halfway through the contest, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster for no apparent reason.
Chuck Norris once went back in time to the pre historic era, to exact revenge on a T-Rex that ate an
ancestor. On seeing how perfect and round his roundhouse kick was, the cave men were inspired to
invent the wheel.
Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply found one female of each species
and then got Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.
Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he
stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded
to savagely beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.
Chuck Norris says that guys who pop their collars up are faggots. Period.
Chuck Norris can punch faster than the speed of light. Every time he hits someone his hands actually
go back in time. His fists are only 23 years old.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds
away from death.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than
4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the
grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm
Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only
thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day and
Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself,
crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a
naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes
him a beer.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun
and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including your own
pancreas.
All men used to be gay. Then Chuck Norris decided that he would give women a
shot. The rest is history.
Chuck Norris has a house that is in fact round.
Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing
them for all eternity
Chuck Norris masturbates with a belt sander.
Chuck Norris has only ever given the 'thumbs-down' to one man. That man was Christopher Reeves.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks
The "Big-Bang" was actually Chuck Norris bitch-slapping God.
On the Eighth Day Chuck Norris told God to take a breather and that he'd "Take it from here."
George W. Bush wanted to nominate Chuck Norris for Supreme Court Chief Justice but the
Separation of Powers called for by the Constitution doesn't allow that if the person is already this
country's main Instrument of Justice.
Chuck Norris was only in a wheel chair once in his life... so he could take down Steven Hawking fairly.
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